Hey everyone!
First off, thanks for sending that stuff mom! I don't need envelopes, I bought some here and I have like 7 stamps, I'm not able to get on the blogs here at the MTC but we'll see how it is in the field. and I can't get any pictures sent here either. Maybe in the field for that as well... Could you possibly send like 75 bucks so I can get my luggage to Ohio? we'll be reimbursed. (sp?)
So! This past week has definitely been an interesting one... I don't think I've struggled with anything so much in my life. This is truly harder than I ever anticipated. I felt as soon as I walked through the doors I would just know that this is where I'm supposed to be, which didn't come.. I was rushed into everything and was a couple hours late and had no time to adjust or anything and yeah.. but after the first couple days my lack of a strong testimony (of the things which I'm supposed to teach) became very apparent to me. Ha so I struggled with that and I'm still struggling with that. Like the basic things like, Is God really there and does he really love me, is the church true, did Joseph Smith really see god and was he real too, is the BoM true, etc etc.. Really frustrating and stressful. Especially with the 16 hour days, struggling with my companion and just being here in general, feeling like I'm in a "correctional facility" and in a fishbowl being in my classroom 24/7. So there is this lady who kinda helps teach you how to study better and I would kinda talk to her about what I'm struggling with. So she suggested I go and see this counselor guy (which I was skeptical about) but I went... and I'm not sure how I still feel about that experience. I had to say everything again to him, and I told him how I need my personal space, and how I see the beautiful mountains and just want to hike them. And such... (family, lexi, feelings, frustrations. all that too) So first thing he said was I have to have both feet here. I can't have one foot here and one foot in the mountains kinda thing, and I see his point, I just don't like how he said it. He told me to "fake it till I make it" that I have no right to send anyone a discouraging letter and on and on... not the best experience but whatever. I don't fake how I feel or think, and I won't lie to anyone about it either. So after a while he said he could get me a ticket home if I really didn't want to be here anymore. (now I'm struggling with this thought, cause I feel I'm wasting my time, the lord's time and everyone's money and efforts, and now it's a possibility, I never really had the "I know" experience with the mission, there was a ton of pressure and I kinda went through the motions, I did want to strengthen my testimony and foundation and knowledge of this church and thought what better way than this, so that's one reason I'm out here. still not working how I thought it would.) now we continued to talk and he asked if I've been treated for anxiety or depression or anything. and I said no so he said before we finalize anything let's see if that's one of the main things. now I don't think I've ever had any of that or any sort of anxiey (maybe that's why my breathing was so labored, but that's better now) but started to think that depression could be a very likely thing in my life, which sucks, cause I hate the fact that I have something wrong with me or that I have to rely on pills to make me better and stuff like that. But I feel I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I can't remember when I've been truly and completely happy, now I've had happy moments and good moments and have times when I laugh super hard but then for some reason I go back into this slump. He also said that's prolly why I have such a hard time feeling and being receptive to the spirit (which is really frustrating, especially being here and then trying to teach by the spirit and having a hard time feeling it there) and also having feeling in my heart. (That's the greatest thing I desire and need right now, is to have feeling and to be receptive to feeling in my heart. It just feels like it's just there to keep me alive, and the best way to express it is that I want to feel with my heart... NOT my mind. cause I can think and say to myself yeah they love me, they tell me so I can believe it, but I want to FEEL things, I want to FEEL loved, by those closest to me and who express it. and most importantly, I want to feel God's love. I don't know why I always feel numb or empty inside and maybe that's because of "depression" so I've really been praying for god to change my heart so I can love more fully and to love his children and to feel their love for me and I'm trying to have faith thathe will, so maybe with the help of pills and such that may be the first steps? I don't know sorry for that tangent) anyways I also have no motivation or desire to do anything and that's hard because I try and do things but then I just lose all that motivation and just lose focus and such. He said that could be the "depression" also. He said something about fish oil to help get cretanin or something like that back up to fight depression. But he suggested I go over to clinical services really figure out if something is wrong. So I went and did that... talked to another guy having to reexplain everything again... then all he did was suggest I talk to the psychiatrist on wednesday (tomorrow) to get diagnostics... pretty freakin obnoxious if you ask me.... so that is that! oh and with the whole staying or going I decided I'll stay and really try and endure as much as can possibly take. On sunday we had a "film" (recorded devotional) and we decided to watch one by Elder Holland... "Missions for life" and it wasn't any answer to any prayer I've said (at least I don't think) but like everyone says this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. and mainly what I got out of it was stick around a little longer, answers will come (at least I'm hoping and praying they do, cause if something doesn't happen soon I don't know how long I can "endure") but with that I'll try my best to endure. one quote was pretty good from that talk and it was "if the only convert from your mission is you, then that's ok. because you need to be truly converted before you can have any hope of converting anyone else." which I know that and that's really what I'm hoping. cause I need some miracle to make me know that I need religion in my life and that this is the true church. so with that, I will continue to endure and pray that the lord will testify in a way to make me feel (in my heart) and make me KNOW that this is it. I want to be happy and we're taught god does too so let's all hope something happens. I love my district though, (still struggling with my comp, good guy we just don't click super well and it's hard and taught me patience {which I already thought I had...}) great guys and some of them I can see me keeping in touch with here after. There's a total of ten Elders, and there's only 4 that are going to Columbus, me, my comp and my other two roomies, and I love my roomies. and then the other six are going to New, Mexico. definitely a cool bond. I've only known them for a couple weeks, but when you spend every second of the day with them you grow close, fast. It was sad saying bye to Nana and Grandpa. the last family for two years. I would find them during meals and talk for a few minutes before I found my district and ate. But I love them and they continue to help me always. and I can't wait for ties now :D:D haha. We got our Itinerary's and we fly out Wednesday the 10th and we have to wake up at 4. bleh... then we all fly together to Ohio.. Days are long, weeks are fast. I can call home next week as my "letter home" so yeah. that's that. I've never been so mentally and emotionally (and occasionally phsically {when I eat to much and can't make it up the stairs}) in my life but I know it will be made up after.
LOVE you ALL!! and miss you all.
Elder Derrek Bowler
UPDATE:
Just wanted to give an update with Derrek...
The MTC called this morning (they don't waste time!). They are going to start him on Wellbutrim (sp?). I was thinking that with the history of the Bowler side (anxiety/depression/panic) and the Steurer side (depression and ?!?), my kids are pretty much screwed! I might as well just start them all on a regiment of Wellbutrim!!! The MTC asked if there was any family history of depression and I just laughed...um...that would be "yes". I am hoping that this will calm him down (or lift him up) mentally so that he can think clearer and feel "normal". I know in the past that when I took Paxil after having Dallen, it was a tremendous help and I could function. It's definitely not a fun place to be and knowing that something isn't right, and thinking you should just be able to fix it on your own is frustrating. I am glad he went and got help, truly feeling like something was just not right.
Anyway, they said that they would check him in a week to see how he is doing (he's supposed to fly to Ohio next Wednesday!), and if he's not where they think he should be, then they will keep him at the MTC for another week (which Derrek yelled "no" in the background), but the mission field is harder and they don't want him stepping into that if he can't handle the MTC. After that, if he's not where he or they think he should be, then he will be coming back home and we will work things out here. They also said that when he does fly to Ohio, he will have help assisted to him there as well and he will be taken care of. This is truly a moment where it is completely out of our hands and in the hands of the Lord. He knows Derrek better, anyway :). I got to talk to Derrek and he seemed relieved that there could be help. I didn't realize it was this bad and I think that it was while he was away in St. George and even when he came here a couple months before his mission, but he always had some form of "numbing" device to help him so that he didn't feel or think about things (phone, drums, music, etc.). I guess I just know what to look for to let me know when I should have taken him in. Lessons learned...
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