Faith of a Mustard Seed...

Hey Fam!

  

So! That is amazing about Grandma! sheesh that's bizarre though! I can't believe she recognized Becky either! And with the whole job thing?! that's crazy! Ha if there is one thing that I know and can testify of is how much the Lord has taken care of you guys. I tell people that out here all the time. That my family is a great example of faith in the Lord and seeing that you're all taken care of. Because honestly, I have no freaking clue how you guy's have survived all this time on practically nothing. It's amazing. Actually that reminds me in the MTC, Someone shared a scripture with me (that BofM teacher lady) that was pretty powerful and brought me peace. It's D&C 100: 1-8. Pretty powerful stuff. Look it up. So about all this mission stuff. Well first I want to clarify about the testimony thing I said in my last e-mail. I just want you future missionaries to gain a solid testimony and know you're purpose because seeing different parts of the "real world" can really shake things up. Especially when you get anti-mormon stuff from people all the time. That's one thing about Kentucky is a lot more people will yell at you and flip you off when you're walking along the road and you will have people throwing a ton of different stuff at you that could very well shake your testimony. Like my first week here in KY, We were walking and got anti'd pretty bad and didn't help my situation at all. But be strong in this gospel because I do know it's true. And I'm probably over analyzing a lot of it, but then again, a lot has happened in these past 3 months. So I just wanted to clarify that! I got a couple letters and such this last week about how I'm not the same and etc etc. I know that I've gone through a harder time than I anticipated with everything, But I hope everyone knows that I am trying really hard. I'm going to 5 different people for help to try and get myself back. I wasn't supposed to open Lexi's presents (but I did, and I'm not sorry :P) but that book she put together really helped me in more ways than anything. I really appreciate everyone who wrote in that book because the day I received that package I was struggling, but that book helps me to keep going each day. And it helps me to remember who I was before and helps me to figure all this out of how I can be me and a missionary. Because this entire time I haven't been myself, I feel (and still sometimes feel) like I can't be myself (who I was before) around anyone out here. So now I'm finding the balance, and I really appreciate everyone's words. And Beecher. FYI our tent was zipped up, that was the tent that the scout trailer had and it didn't have a rain-fly, remember? and then it snowed and I was in the middle so it was just my stuff that got drenched. ;) still a fun experience. Lot of good memories. SO I bet you're all wondering why I'm writing on a Wednesday? Well I will fill you in. So last week I called Sis. Nilsen about the meds and trying to figure everything out. I said that I don't feel that they are really doing anything (and anything medical or stuff we have to change we have to let her know.) so she said to call Dr. Kellar to see what she wanted to do. (she's the psychiatrist lady who I got the Zoloft from) so I talked to her and she said well we can up the dosage see what that does or we can wing you off of it. (and I want to stop taking it, but I'll do what she thinks is best) So we doubled the dosage and I'm going to try that for a couple weeks and if nothings different then we'll wean me off of it. I also talked to Sis. Nilsen and Dr. Kellar about this extreme exhaustion I've been having lately. Like seriously. I've never been this exhausted in my life, I have a hard time getting up in the morning (like 7:30 an hour late) and I'm just sooo tired all day long and it's messing with my ability to focus and concentrate and think of things. So I talked to them about that and see what they thought I should do. Dr. Kellar sent me a thing for some blood work to be done cause she wants to see if maybe my Thyroid is crapping out on me and that could be why I'm so exhausted. So Dr. Kellar and Sis. Nilsen also wanted to try counseling to see if that is what will help this "depression" out. Cause I still feel numb and flatline most of the time. So Monday I drove up with Elder Bowden (he's one of our ZL's) up to Columbus to the Family Services up there. It's a lovely 2 and a half hour drive so it gave us time to talk and listen to the Seven Deadly harasies (sp?? ha) by Bruce R. Mconkie. I enjoyed it and it gave me time to I guess relax. so we got there and I met with Dr. Sullivan and he asked me basically the same things as they did in the MTC and didn't say too much but more listened and I'll meet with him next Thursday and we'll see how things go. So I'm also working with Elder Snowden. He works for Family Services but travels around and I've been working with him with almost everything since Englewood. So I'm getting the help I may need to get things back on track! haha cause I am personally done struggling with all this and just want to worry about normal missionary stuff and not everything else on top of it. And that's why my faith has kinda died down because it just seems like this never ending cycle and you get pretty hopeless after a while. But yesterday we were able to go to the temple and I just prayed for help and the strength to keep fighting. So I'm not dead yet so I will keep pushing on. I had a cool little experience today during my studies this morning. Somehow there was a mustard seed on my lap. I'm guessing it flew out of my scripture case from seminary or something. And I just picked it up and looked at it. And me with my faith decreasing and praying that it can return looked at this and thought of having faith like unto a mustard seed. And just staring at this tiny little thing brought peace. not a total peace, but I guess it brought back a long lost sense of hope. Because I've been doubting if God is really there listening to my prayers and recognizing my struggles and if he really does love me and if he will answer my prayers eventually. Cause I think of D&C 98:1-3 often and I'm still trying to be patient. and it wears you out after a while. So this tiny little seed brought back a little flicker of hope. and then I dropped it... haha you've got to be kidding me. I dropped it and our carpet has tan specks that look like this seed and I am not going to find this... So I just wanted to see if God would answer my little prayer of "Please, Help me to find this seed, I need this seed." and I looked and looked and tried different things. and I'm like "I know you can help me. Please show me you're still there Lord. Please." well I eventually found it and taped it in my scriptures in Alma 32. So I'm glad I was able to find it. Faith without works is dead. And if he can help me find this little seed that brought back hope. Then he can help me find myself again and work through all of this hard stuff I'm going through. He's making me work my tail off for this. Ha I've never worked so hard for anything in my life. But When everything clicks and everything works out ha. watch out world. You're gonna be in trouble. Cause this world is jacked up and it makes me sick. Especially being in just all this crappy stuff. (and that school shooting made me sick. Oh man my heart breaks for all those families) So just know that I am working hard for this and I'm not giving up. ha I promised I would write about our investigators but I got caught up in all this and probably won't have enough time. But we have some sweet investigators and this area is getting better. and the ward really is great in helping us out with rides. 95% of our appointments fall through or we don't get in any houses some days. but when we teach sometimes it's cool. and Jeff and Becky and awesome. oh and I almost forgot!

Elder Garner, Hunter Muse (Emma's Friend, He baptized her) Emma, and Me

 But Emma got Baptized on Sunday! I only taught her like 3 times and didn't find her but it was a cool experience and she said she doesn't feel any different.. haha it's cause she was already living it all before. but I'll include a picture of that and also a picture of our Christmas tree I found in our closet. :P haha it's 4' tall and humble. But I decorated it all and I love it. I love you all and truly appreciate all the support you guys give. I am very fortunate. And Mom I thought of someone you could maybe send a Christmas gift to. His name is Elder Jordan Steglich. He's one of the AP's and from what I've heard he has no support and has a rough background. But he is a freaking stud and I love that man. Just tell him I thought he could use a little something to help him through the Holiday's and that all the work and effort he does is truly amazing. He actually is from Hurricane, UT and he told me if I went home early he'd come hunt me down.. haha don't want that :P but I love you all and Hope you all Have a wonderful Christmas. I will be calling next week! haha Crazy. But Yeah Talk to you all later!!

 

Love Elder Bowler.

 

P.s. Ashton. Chin up dude. I love you bro and life gets better. Not easier but better. I've been in your shoes and I know life is hard. Trust me I'm struggling now. But you can do it and you're an awesome kid and I love you. Don't get sad. Get Glad :)